The Reason

Today is my 2nd time to cut class. 2nd time in my whole life as a student. the first one, i did it just last week. the 2nd is today. whoa. I've been so bad lately. nawalan na rin ako ng drive sa field na pinasukan ko. Actually i just took this up to put a smile in my parents face. i always wanna see them happy because they don't want us to have a miserable life after they pass away. they wanted to make sure that everything will be alright when that time comes. I don't wanna manage our own business that's why i took up something that is far from that nature and nursing is what they want for me as another option. what i really want is to take up philosphy then move to theology to meet God. I remeber what my mum said when we we're young, "Sana magkaroon ako ng anak na pari. Gusto kong magkaroon ng anak na lagi kaming ipagdadasal at gagabay sa amin sa tamang landas. kaya lang mahirap ang daan tungo sa landas na un. Sa isandaang kalalakihang sumubok kumuha ng bokasyon eh maswerte na kung may dalawampung makatapos ng pilosopiya. maswerte naman kung may 15 magpatuloy para kumuha ng teolohiya at maswerte kung may makatapos na 10 para maging pari." I still remember that day. It's not my mum who forced me to like it. It just happened. But i decided to keep that as a secret. I did not tell it to them. Sabi ko, tsaka na. Sige sila muna kasi ayaw ko sila makaramdam ng lungkot. I don't want to fail them. I want to see them happy and fulfilled with what they dreamed me of. i am not that sure rin kasi with what i wanted to be. I'm a man and i do fall in love with a woman. As a preacher kasi, I will not be able to serve two masters at the same time. i have to choose and keep away from temptation. that's when i decided to let go of my dream to be a priest. Sabi ko, maybe this is what God wants me to do. Maybe God wants me to do better than serving him alone. A thought that came in into my mind. I'll save some years of my life to be a missionary nurse. Nakipagdeal ako to take up nursing because of that reason. Not for money and all. It's not a practical choice but an intelligent one. It's not the money that i'm after. It's the service i want to give with the people. It's not going to other country to work and socialize but to stay where i came from and serve my fellow Filipinos. I know three years after i graduate, malabo ung gusto ko mangyari because ipapatapon na ako sa Texas where my family owns a house. I find it hard to live because it's not me that is living. i am controlled by destiny instead of me controlling destiny.  I guess that's life. It's about doing what they want then doing your interests later after a job well done. haha.

I wish to do a lot of things. I want to take up theatre arts and perform on stage. i want to take up philosophy for my own purpose. i want to see and feel life differently. I want to open up my mind. I wanna get married someday. I wanna have children. 12 children or more.  I wanna be a DJ and be a consultant. I want to face and solve my own problems and fears without nothing to think. I wanna expand horizons. I want to make happiness and joy to the world. I know it's possible. What i need to do is trust myself and maintain the same level of spirit when i felt i love to do those things.